Once fragile, broken, and drunk I lacked the ability to function as a true adult. Just 23 months ago. After a lifetime of trying to fit, longing to be enough, striving to simply “be.”
Stunted in my emotional development at about the age of twelve. I followed the pack, shadowed those that were grander than me; this did not dissipate as I matured. Always making life decisions based on what I thought others thought I should think. How convoluted is that? Damn.
I dressed as media would suggest. I held myself to the self-imposed standards of my peers. I drank. I smoked. I snorted. Promiscuity followed the natural lifeline of indiscretion. Leaving me empty, powerless to set healthy boundaries.
Delight was shunned by shallow desires and temporary thrills. Once a hopeful young girl with dreams of being a librarian and author of her own story, I settled instead for playing the submissive and innocent character of a metaphorical fellow playwright’s tome.
Underlying desires of creativity, humor, and love gave way to the impermanent elucidation in a bottle.
The process was perpetual. At no time doing “the next right thing” but doing anything for right now. Depth was lost. Life was on standby.
Then I received the gift of desperation. After the loss of many adult years. Loss? Maybe not in the general definition.
I lost my words. More than words…my voice. Muted by my disease. Unable to set boundaries. Numb to speak of my limitations. I would yield to others with decisions. Big shit. Like jobs. Relocation. Life partners. All of it. None of it…was mine to claim. Life was simply a place to exist, instead of showing up.
Lately, I have been faced with choices. Many that I haven’t wanted to make. Most that needed to be made a priority, just as sobriety has taken precedence. Life, it is starting to happen. Just now, real time.
Relationships are paused, or ceased…for now. Ugly habits are disintegrating into the abyss where they belong. Shifting opportunities to suit my emotional stability. Whether I sit comfortably in my decisions or fidget through the process. I realize now, the only way to achieve growth, is to boldly walk through the wall of adversity.
Listen to your voice. Within the cadence, you will hear your truth. It speaks to you without random abandon. With powerful gentleness.
Get still. Be quiet. Listen. The boundaries, limitations, and choices are patiently waiting between the words.
Life is good. Real. Best played out within terms the universe suggests.
Be sober. Life happens when you are…I’m learning that one teetotal, miraculous day at a time.